The Parenting Revolution We’re Not Talking About
Could a 100+ year old approach to education be the key to healing our kids?
Are your children’s most awful moments especially awful right now? It’s okay to be honest, this is a safe space. And let us be clear on this one: you are not alone. Now that we’re allowed out again, educators, parents, and caregivers around the world are noticing a sharp increase in behavioral issues in children. Our little ones are reflecting the world they now find themselves in, divided, stressed, and emotionally charged.
Can we blame them? Even prior to 2020 we were witnessing the rise of a mental health epidemic in kids. Now, going into our third year of a global pandemic, with lockdowns and school closures disrupting some of the most formative years of their lives, studies are showing that even more children are suffering from worsening or newly onset mental health issues. Anxiety, depression, fear, inattention, boredom… our kids are not alright.
And if you’re the primary caregiver for one or more children, chances are you’re probably having a hard time right now too. We all want to do what’s best for our kids, but it can be hard to be there for them when we don’t even want to be around them sometimes.
Where do we go from here? How can we stop fighting against our challenging children and start working together with them to bring back a sense of calm?
Bringing it home
Montessori is a century-old approach to educating children from infancy to early childhood created by Dr. Maria Montessori — Italy’s first female physician. Her education framework follows natural human development and utilizes common milestones parents are all familiar with, like movement and communication. While it’s traditionally recognized as a method of education, there is a growing trend towards using Montessori at home, also known as Montessori parenting. Montessori has strategies and methods for raising all types of children at home, as well as at school, and there really is something in it for everyone — no special materials required! In fact, a major component of Montessori learning in the early years is the Practical Life curriculum, designed to empower children to master the routines and practices of day-to-day living.
The key to success in Montessori as a parenting toolkit and lifestyle is looking at our children as not “other than” our adult selves, but rather, just smaller versions of us. Children are human beings, after all, just like grown-ups, and they are often capable of more than we give them credit for. These little people can still have thoughts and feelings as big as our own, and they live with the added frustration that the world isn’t designed for them. Consider how it feels for you when you aren’t able to access the things that allow you to fulfill your own needs and desires. Even you may even feel like lashing out from time to time…
Now, consider the spaces in your home and what your child has access to. What things are they allowed to do and decisions are they allowed to make for themselves? Try putting yourself in their position. How would it feel for you to not be able to dress yourself in the morning? Not to be able to reach for a snack when you’re hungry, or pour yourself a glass of water when you’re thirsty? A sense of restriction naturally leads to frustration, and this feeling is amplified for children who witness the people in their lives interacting with the world in ways they are simply not able to.
Bringing Montessori principles and practices into the home can help us to recognize and address the ways in which our children’s actions and autonomy are restricted, and to reflect on how this could be worsening some of the negative thoughts and feelings they may already be having. More often than not, behavioural issues are a manifestation of unmet needs. Acting out is a form of communication; a sign that a child is trying to tell us that they need something.
Our children are calling out to us. The key to getting through this challenging time with sanity (relatively) intact is how we respond to that call.
What’s love got to do with it?
In a word… everything.
Approaching challenging behaviours with compassion rather than contempt can dramatically change the outcome of a situation. When our kids feel connected to us, they feel safer to trust us with their thoughts and feelings, which allows us to work through them more successfully together. The Montessori approach lends itself beautifully to positive discipline techniques and has so many tools to help us navigate difficult interactions with empathy.
“Children learn and listen more willingly when they are met with kindness, empathy and patience; when their core need for connection or attachment is met.”
~ Vince Gowmon
In Montessori schools, the teacher is traditionally referred to as a “guide.” This term is rooted in the idea that children don’t need to be taught — they naturally want to learn. The role of the guide is not to force a child to learn or do anything in particular, but to inspire and encourage them towards the things that spark their natural curiosity and interest. A good Montessori guide understands a child’s individual needs and deeply respects their autonomy and independence. This allows them to develop a trusting relationship with that child, built on mutual respect and understanding.
With Montessori parenting, you take on the role of the guide in your child’s life (when they are not in school). You come to recognize that you yourself are an essential element of your child’s home environment, and the way you conduct yourself and the energy you give off has a great effect on how your child feels. In a Montessori classroom, guides are carefully conscious of how they behave in front of children, and work specifically to model behavior and language they wish to see mirrored back to them.
One of the most challenging parts of Montessori parenting is letting go of expectations. These can be expectations around who we believe we should be as parents, or who we believe our children should be. One of the most magical things about Montessori method is the way that it teaches us to trust in the unfolding of the human being — the most special of whom often don’t unfold according to a “plan”.
The tools of Montessori can help you free yourself from trying to be a “perfect parent” and focus on spending quality time connecting with the person your child is today. Research shows that those who feel a sense of connection to others have lower levels of anxiety and depression and anxiety and higher levels of trust and cooperation. There’s a reason that Montessori education continues to be linked to higher levels of long-term wellbeing. We can reap these same benefits by applying Montessori principles to our parenting.
“Either we spend time meeting children’s emotional needs by filling their cup with love, or we spend time dealing with behaviors caused from their unmet needs. Either way, we spend the time.”
~ Pam Leo, Connecting Through Filling The Love Cup
Above all, it’s important to remain flexible and gentle with our children and ourselves as we learn to embrace the beautiful chaos of raising a family. It’s difficult. It’s messy. It’s frustrating. It’s exhausting. And, it’s magical. For the parents out there having a hard time with all of it right now: we see you. You can love your child fiercely while not loving every moment of raising them. Nothing worthwhile is easy, and the 24–7 job of raising kind, caring, and conscientious human beings who will contribute their unique gifts to making the world a better place is one of the toughest there is.
Montessori parenting often resonates with families who value minimalism, respect, independence, and collaboration in their homes. It’s a lifestyle choice that’s well within reach for anyone motivated to achieve it. It does take work (as all worthwhile things do), but it will also help make things easier. And we’re here to help you along the way!
Through regular posts in our publication Montessori is for Everyone, we hope you’ll enjoy a journey with us through the vast network of strategies used by our Montessori educators and parents.
Make sure to follow HomeGrown and the publication if you’d like to come along. In the meantime, take care.
(To check out Alex and Candace’s bio’s click their name above)
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